Jason A. Heidemann
HOMEWARD BOUND Howard Brown offers advice on starting a family.
There was a time when gay men and lesbians would stroll through Boystown on a Sunday afternoon and complain about all the hetero breeders pushing their strollers up and down Broadway. That time has passed.
According to a 2005 survey by the Williams Institute, a UCLA think tank, an estimated 270,313 of the nation’s kids are being raised by same-sex parents. But obstacles remain—even in Illinois. That’s why Howard Brown has begun hosting workshops called “Pathways to Parenthood.” According to Hope Barrett, Howard Brown’s director of community initiatives, these panel discussions inform prospective parents (a separate program for trans folk is in the works) about the emotional, financial, medical and legal challenges standing between them and dirty diapers.
When Barrett, 40, and her partner, an assistant prof at DePaul, decided to become parents more than six years ago, the Beverly couple chose artificial (or alternative) insemination. While the process itself isn’t difficult, Barrett says, other issues abound. “Finding a supportive [health-care] professional and then choosing how much information you want to know about the donor: These are all decisions you have to make.” She also mentions legal issues including the parental rights of the male donor, as well as the issue of whether the partner will then adopt the child. And the cost can be prohibitive: $500–$1,000 for each insemination. Barrett got pregnant on the second try, but for some women it takes many attempts—and lots of cash.
Single or partnered gay men seeking biological parenting might choose either gestational or traditional surrogacy. With gestational surrogacy, a woman carries someone else’s embryo; a traditional surrogate is biologically related to the child. “Legally, gestational surrogacy is less troublesome than having a biological mother who [might say], ‘I want my child,’_” Barrett says. On the downside, surrogacy requires “an enormous amount of money”—upwards of $30K—“[plus] the legal fees that are involved and then finding agencies that specialize in finding surrogate mothers,” she says.
For some same-sex parents, adoption is ideal, but not without its difficulties. In some cases, the mother has the option to choose the family for her baby—a condition that can work unfavorably for same-sex couples. “It is still very challenging for a couple to adopt a child out in the open,” Barrett says. “There was a time when the children with medical issues or developmental delays—those were the children offered up for same-sex couples. My sense is that inequality still exists.”
One way same-sex couples navigate potential discrimination is by opting for single-parent adoption: One partner adopts the child, and then down the road the other applies for second-parent adoption. But again, the costs are steep, ranging from $5K to $40K for a domestic adoption, $7K to $30K for international. There’s also the emotional cost, as couples wait to see if they get picked.
For prospective parents, Barrett offers this caveat: “Having a child outs you immediately. I would get outed three or four times when I shopped at Trader Joe’s with my son when he was quite younger,” says Barrett, noting that her son would say things to other shoppers such as, “My mommies like to drink wine.” Yet the advantage of LGBT parenthood is that it’s rarely unplanned: “It’s a very deliberative process,” Barrett says. “There’s some serious planning that has to go into it.”
“Pathways to Parenthood” happens Saturday 27.